Monday, January 14, 2008

A Colostomy Bag...

By any other name would be called IN THE NAME OF THE KING.

Yesterday, a group of us went to celebrate Christian's birthday and see this latest cinematic excrement from prolific-yet-still-doesn't-manage-to-improve "auteur" Uwe Boll. The website link above is 1000 x more entertaining than this movie. Boll manages to undercut every selling aspect of this movie - the cast, the special effects, the stunts, the camerawork, the story... everything. The cinematography is out of focus, the editing cuts out of the action too early,

Dear reader, understand that this movie isn't in the "so bad it's good or funny" category of movie. I love those movies. I've made those movies. This is the movie they will show on CIA rendition flights to soften up suspected terrorists before they are thrown in the hole at Gitmo. I would rather have stomach cancer than see this movie again. I will probably get stomach cancer from seeing this movie. I would be blind now from scratching my eyes out if it hadn't been for the strength of Shawna and Christian holding me back.

What's really funny is the fact that this US release supposedly has 30 minutes of footage cut out of it... probably because that much Boll filmmaking induces seizures and spontaneous bleeding from multiple orifices.

Another agonizing aspect to this movie - besides Burt Reynolds as The King - is the fact it cost $60M to make. That's a lot of opportunity flushed down the old crapper there kids. This is yet another example where bigger doesn't mean better and your movie is only as good as your story.

Christian - I hope you had as many headaches as I did last night trying to clear my mind of the images that I. WILL. NEVER. GET. OUT. OF. MY. HEAD. You will receive my therapy and scotch bills in the mail.


Shawna said...

Amen, brother. I posted my attempt at a review which is occassionally interrupted by sudden onset Tourette's here.

Cunningham said...


You're going into detail into your review. DETAIL!


Someone smear me with bacon fat and call in the killer chihuahuas to rend my flesh. I can't take it any more.

Emily Blake said...

Aw, man. I was actually thinking of seeing that movie because it looked like an awesomely horribly movie to make fun of. And come on, it's got Jason Statham!

But you're telling me it's not even worthy of mockery. Now I am sad.

Cunningham said...

ITNOTK is like a steel spike rammed straight through your skull...

You just don't know how to react until it happens to you.