Thursday, January 14, 2010

NY Tyrant Guide to NOT Being a Terrible Writer in 2010

Can be found here.  Some of these gems include:

Don’t conceive of your “central” characters by defining them with a mental or physical “condition.
If you’re going to tell me about your Mom, do it from your dad’s point of view. I want to know what she’s like in the sack.
Don’t connect with me. Don’t try to pretend I’m not there.
Don’t try to be funny. You are or you aren’t. Or the sentence is or isn’t.
You are neither David Lynch nor Captain Beefheart. You might be Cher.
Cry more, but don’t tell anybody either. This is the way crying is like rap.
I used to say you can’t write about serial killers, but they work sometimes, if they are described in the way one would a washcloth or a doll.
Remember your asshole is a tunnel.
If you’ve ever read Bukowski, please stop.
Please, God, no characters who are musicians. There is nothing worse than trying to describe music, or how someone plays it. Leave music to douchebags.
Stop writing about rich literary boys in college. I hated you people when I was in college and I still hate you. Your frat took a shit on my porch.
If you’ve ever told someone they are “misreading” a philosopher, eat a cock.
You are not Andy Warhol.
You probably don’t really listen to black metal.
Can I reiterate the one about not writing about musicians?

All of which inspires me to write 'How NOT to be a Crappy Indie Filmmaker in 2010..."

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